To Become: A Fearful Dance

My blogging has been pretty minimal the last couple of months. I didn't want to share the whiny details of what it was like to be an injured dancer. I tore some stuff up in my right forearm doing a split grip move on February 21. Nothing like the impending June 15 deadline for Midwest and only being able to sit around and watch YouTube. One of the things that made it a little easier to bear was Estee Zakar's Asia Tour. She was gone for most of the rehab.

I followed the hard to follow orders from my physical therapist and Chinese medicine specialist. I did not touch a pole from March 9th till May 12. Estee and I danced for the first time on May 12 and we had two lessons to get ready for my performance at the Vertical Fusion Cirque de Radiance Showcase at the Dickens Opera House in Longmont, Colorado.

In fact I came to Estee for our first lesson since her return with the news that I had just had therapy on my arm and the advice was to wait. I had texted the gang at Vertical Fusion Pole and Fitness Studio and canceled my performance. Estee had other ideas. She told me she wanted me in front of a big audience and that the rigging and stage setup were perfect for the different routines we were preparing. We would keep the weight off the arm and choreograph around it.

I texted the studio back with the short message, "Change of heart. I will see you tomorrow night at dress". Monday night I was doing my routine for the very first time in dress. Estee and I met one more time and we worked. Mostly marking it because my arm and body were killing me. I went from sitting around being depressed for two months, to full tilt and my skin, core, and upper body were very unhappy.

On Friday night I walked into the Dickens and had a brief shortness of breath. There was this big stage, lots of seats and riggers putting up the trusses for the poles. After the poles went up I had about five minutes to smear some Dry Hands on and test the spin and static poles. Some of the other dancers were eating burgers and Mexican food. Talk about hard core. The moment was over before it ever started.

Mostly I remember the hot little room where the performers make their last minute peace with the Gods of dance, the steep narrow back stairway to the stage and the walking out after introduction. I will never forget those lights. I knew the audience was there but I couldn't see them. There were two guys giggling in front and I remember thinking, "Get used to it. Your are in fact a guy and at least six gorgeous women have come before you."

The music started and those moments that dancers live for came to life. I wanted to leave it all on that stage. I didn't want to save anything. I danced the most fearful piece of my life. Music that I thought my body could never fill and a story that  tears me up inside.