Love

The Blog Hop topic for February in honor of Valentine's Day is Love. The most touching expression of love in my pole experience is looking into the crowd during a performance and seeing my wife in the audience. My fifth and latest public pole dance performance took place on February 9, 2013. My wife has attended every one of my performances. She is always the woman married to the only man in the show. It isn't easy being that woman.

Dress rehearsal was February 8. Just before I danced I was sitting in the chairs at the back of the studio all by myself. I was alone with my usual apprehension and demons. The husband of the studio owner was getting ready to video the rehearsal. He walked over and sat down. After we exchanged a few pleasantries he looked and me and asked, "How do you do this? I can't imagine being you." I really couldn't explain it except to say that this was my fifth and it never seems to get any easier. I did mention that I thought my performing in front of a mixed crowd with only women was sending an important message to men about pole dance and men dancing in general.

Saturday night while I was sitting with the other women before showtime I searched for my wife in the crowd. My thoughts turned to her. It takes something special to support your husband when he goes off four times a week to dance in classes where all the other members are women. Some people have said that I must be very confident about my masculinity. My confidence? What about my wife? Talk about a strong woman. We talk. We talk a lot about the issues she faces since I started dancing. My wife is my age. She knows I am surrounded by women wearing the best and sexiest polewear. She knows that a lot of those women are younger than our twenty-seven year old "baby" daughter. She knows what 7" platforms add to any woman's sexual allure. She knows that a bond forms with people who share common interests and challenges. She knows I love the dance.

It's has been almost four years since I left for my first pole dance lesson and she still lets me go without guilt or strings attached. She lets go with a kiss, and confidence that she is and always will be my soulmate.

That is Love.

Things to Remember: A Year Without Goals

I missed the January pole dancers bloghop. The subject matter was basically what we wanted to get out of the coming year. I never made it to the deadline. I kept thinking about how my year was going to revolve around the Great Midwest Pole Dance Competition and Convention. The word "competition" was causing brain lock. It's not like I hate competing or I run away from it. I remember vividly my last season playing regular winter season ice hockey.

My team had won back to back league championships. I was fifty-one years old. For three months after I skated off the ice with the trophy I would not commit to another season. Why? The answer: I am utterly competitive. I was still playing like it mattered. Beer league hockey doesn't matter. It's just a bunch of guys having fun. But I still wanted to be the best captain and defensemen on the ice. If I could not find the emotion and heart to be that person, I was just going to quit playing and enjoy my Sunday afternoons at home.

Two months before I needed to register our team for another season I knew I wasn't ready to quit but that I was going to have to do more to play the coming season than ever before. Age was taking away my balance, skating speed, and my shot. When I made up my mind that I was going to play I also told myself that this was the end. Win or lose, this was going to be my last season of ice hockey. After that it was endless. I was in the gym three days a week from the end of July to October 1. I beat the living crap out of myself in the gym. I worked with one goal in mind. Win. Win that one last meaningless trophy.

When the season started I was emotionally and physically ready. All season long my team was a machine and we could not have had a better season. The storybook ending came on Easter Sunday 2009. I skated up to the league director, shook his hand and held up the last championship trophy of my hockey life. Three years in a row.

Now the difference between going to Midwest and Beer League ice hockey is huge. On the ice I was a predator. I have had a hockey stick in my hand on and off since I was thirteen. I pretty much skate like I walk, maybe better. In pole I'm technically horrible. I'm a newbie. Three years of pole compared to thirty-nine on skates? I am so far out of my league it's nuts. To succeed in Chicago I have to have a new plan. This can't be brute force like my last hockey season.

This year I have to remember some very important things. The things that led my teacher to believe that I had something special to say with my dance.

1. I need to take advantage of the tools I have. Musicality, Lines, Emotion
2. I need to be humble and honest with myself.
3. I need to dance because I love dancing.
4. I need to express not impress.
5. I must always remember that the body never lies. My dance has to come from the heart because that is my strength. Real people can smell pretentious from a distance.
6. I need to remember that what I do is art. You can't measure it, time it, or count it.
7. I need to live in the moment. All of them. That is what dance is all about. 

So I have no goals. All I have is list of things to remember.

The First Christmas Present of 2012

Dance can be dramatic. The world around dancers can be filled with human drama that is in no way related to what we do in front of an audience. The relationships you develop with your fellow dancers can be fragile. From my own experience I can say that where I am at emotionally comes out in my dance. I express my joys and sorrows in movement.

The best partners can have disagreements, and intentionally or unintentionally hurt each other. Communication is not always easy. Sometimes it just isn't possible to figure out how to start the dialog until someone reaches out.

I hugged my old dance partner last night and we talked for the first time in four months. I'm glad I kept our showcase pictures up in my practice room. It didn't seem right to take them down. Dance lives and dies in the moment. But the steps never leave your heart.

I can't think of a better way to start the Christmas weekend.

The Year in Review 2012 (Bloghop)

This month the Facebook pole dancing bloggers are looking back on the highlights of their year. This post won't be confined to pole dance. It is impossible for me to untangle my experiences as a ballet dancer from pole dance. I am a dancer.

The top moment of my year was the spring showcase rehearsal at my former pole studio. I finally got a chance to live out a moment on stage that had been in my dreams since I made my first plie. I looked up at the end of the "This Bitter Earth" pole dance pas de deux with my partner and saw tears in peoples eyes.  We didn't know what people were going to think about our dance and when we saw their eyes we knew that something magic had happened. My inspiration for bringing the pas de deux from Wheeldon's “Five Movements, Three Repeats,” to pole dance came from watching a rehearsal video of Wendy Whelen and Tyler Angle posted on YouTube.

The next special moments of the year came from watching Ballet Nouveau Colorado dancers Sarah Tallman, Brandon Freeman, Julie King, and Damian Patterson perform pas from the Garrett Ammon ballet "Love in the Digital Age". They made me cry. Twice. My lines come from the dancers and teachers at BNC. I'm blessed.

My wife and I attended opening night of the Vail International Dance Festival 2012. Imagine walking in and seeing NYCB principle dancer Tiler Peck doing her warm up barre on stage! I came for Dove's Red Angels and walked away stunned by the way Tiler and Amar Ramasar performed the final pas from the Robbins ballet In the Night .

In August I pole danced with props for the first time. It was a very different experience. It was also my first experiment with the music of Italian composer Ludivico Einaudi. His music moves me deep inside. Sometimes I hear music and I can see myself in some kind of movement. I could see myself playing ice hockey and I told the story of what it means to be an aging hockey player and a dancer. It was my last dance at my former studio.

Sometimes heartbreaking things happen and from the pain and ashes you become stronger as your comfortable little world collapses around you. The change forged a tighter bond with my teacher, the amazing pole dancer Estee Zakar. I actually freestyle danced for Estee last month after working with her for over a year. Her enthusiasm for my dance style and encouragement has helped change my way of thinking about performing. I am looking forward to the Great Midwest Pole Dance Competition coming next summer in Chicago. I can think of no one better qualified to help me get ready for the trip.

In October I was invited by Sasha Viers to dance in a Halloween pole jam at her Boulder Spirals studio. The women in the studio are awesome and I love dancing with Sasha. Sasha knows ballet. We are talking pas de deux. I can't wait. My new home is at Spirals.

This has also been a great year blogging and being a part of the Studio Veena online pole dance community. You should check it out. It is an amazing place to learn about pole dance and share your experiences.

I'm also very happy to be reconnected and taking class with a good friend at Spirals. It seems that we have followed a similar path. She is a beautiful dancer/instructor and we inspire each other. She was one of the first women to welcome me into the nearly all female world of pole dance. Another lost friend from my dance past and I have reunited and are working on pole pas de deux. I hate that the stigmas associated with this beautiful dance form keep me from mentioning them by name but I want them to know how much their friendship means to me.

My final inspirational moments of 2012 came from watching the CBS News 60 Minutes coverage of the New York City Ballet. Two things Peter Martins said will stay with me. Peter is the guy who runs NYCB. He is Balanchine's successor. When Lesley Stahl quoted Balanchine's mantra, "Ballet is woman", one of the things Peter said was, "He (Balanchine) needed us (men)." When asked if he was hurt by the critical reviews of his collaboration with Sir Paul McCartney Peter didn't flinch. He reminded us that no one knows more about our dance than ourselves. Courage. To hell with the critics. We dance our dances. The critics don't stand in the fire and show anyone what makes THEM tick. Pole dance needs men too. The world of pole dance will get there.

The year 2012 was a year of endings, beginnings, reclamation, and rebirth. It was full of those brief moments of joy that keep dancers dancing.

Stolen from My Facebook Wall.

The next person who says something about bringing back the sexy in pole dance gets this pic stamped on their ass. Nikoai Tsiskaridze working with Galina Ulanova.

 My final thought for the day:

Karol Helms. A Goddess of Pole Dance. From the heart. You can't fake a dance like this.

Performing

I found this picture on Facebook and it just resonated inside of me. The caption with the picture was, "The Calm Before the Storm". If you have ever danced before an audience you know that feeling. You are alone with your thoughts, sometimes staring at your demons. Sometimes I visualize. At other times I just think, "Merde", and not in that good way that you wish another dancer" Merde" before they dance. It's that, oh shit I'm the only guy here dancing and every male significant other is going to be wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

I danced for the first time in front of an audience in May of 2009 and every studio showcase after that I told myself that next year I would pass. Every year I danced. Now that my dance has grown I've become proud of it. I understand why dancers live for that adrenaline moment you get when you count down those final seconds before you show your soul to everyone sitting in front of you.

And now I have made the decision to enter my first pole dance competition. This isn't going to be Five String Serenade by Mazzy Star in front of sixty people. It is going to be the Great Midwest Pole Dance Competition. Even if I do not place in the Over 40 Masters Division I want to dance in the showcase.

Just looking at the Rules a few nights ago almost made me hyperventilate. When I found a 45 mm chrome X-Pole I could hear Estee telling me that the pole she teaches on is the competition standard. I'm really glad I listened.  I have never had a time limit on music, pole moves I had to execute, or a dress code. There were two voices in my head Sunday night (11/25). One was telling me that I am too old and too fat. The other one was telling me,

 “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!” ― Hunter S. Thompson

The more I though about the way I have already lived my last fifty-five years, the more I knew I would be booking a room in Chicago in August. The way I dance is different. One teacher called it honest and mature. Estee told me weeks ago that I had to perform. I sent Estee a text message and the journey to Chicago started two days ago. November 28, 2012.

My music is going to have to be cut down to fit the limit. Estee and I have a rough sketch of the moves we want to choreograph. One of my ballet teachers has graciously agreed to help me work out the ballet floor work. I asked her because her adagio music is the music I picked for my dance. Divenire by the Italian composer Ludivico Einaudi is the one. In English Divenire means, To Become.


People have asked me why I chose to be a dancer. I did not choose: I was chosen to be a dancer, and, with that, you live all your life.  ― Martha Graham

 

Coming Out (November Blog Hop)

This month the Facebook Pole Dancers blog topic is coming out as a pole dancer. Interesting. Not only am I out to my family but I am also out on the Internet, at work and to my fellow hockey players. I'm also male. I have multiple stories.

I was out to my Facebook friends from the very beginning and started this blog not long after that. The only fallout from those choices was that my son removed me from his Facebook friends list. He basically said that his friends didn't need to see pictures of his dad on a stripper pole. There was another slightly negative reaction from an old high school classmate on FB. However, he also knew my wife from high school and after they had a few conversations he seemed good with it.

My workplace coming out was really interesting. I work in Boulder, Colorado in a weather research laboratory. My workplace is 99% liberal, tree hugging, all inclusive, warm fuzzy people with PhD's. Unless of course you are a guy who pole dances. I was in Santa Rosa, California for a meeting where a huge battle of both turf and scientific ideology was taking place. Some very high level people were saying some pretty nasty things in front of their bosses and some of the not so nice stuff was aimed at my own research. My scientific research is every bit as personal as my dance. It is a creative expression of who I am and how I think.

During one of the breaks I walked out into the parking lot and started walking off the anger and frustration with a few female co-workers who were as upset as I was with contentious situation we were experiencing. While I was looking around I noticed a parking sign in the lot that was mounted on a round pole instead of the usual square steel. I handed my cell phone to one of the women and said, "Take a picture of this for me please."

After much laughter I did a few more pole tricks and that gave me the perspective to go back to the meeting. There was one negative reaction. One of the woman asked me to mail the picture back to the lab in Boulder. The one guy she thought would find it hysterical didn't find it funny at all. IT guy. Go figure. :) One of the warm fuzzy PhD's took a short video of me doing turns on the concourse train at Denver International Airport while our group was on the way home. My boss saw it. Nope, he didn't think my little demo was funny. I gained some ground back at the baggage carousel. His sister was a ballet dancer. Win some. Lose some.

My final coming out was totally accidental. I was visiting with my parents one evening and my mom asked me if I wanted to stay for dinner. Without thinking I said, "Sorry mom. I have dance class at 6:30." I felt doom. Without blinking my mom continued stirring the spaghetti sauce and asked me what kind of dance. Never lie to moms right? They know. It doesn't matter if you are five or fifty-five. Ballet. Yeah mom, your son is a ballet dancer. My mom looked at me and said, "You are always doing something new aren't you?" The she called out to my dad and said, "Hey, your son is taking ballet lessons." My dad's reply, "I hope he can waltz better than I can." At that point we both took off to sit with my dad. My mom explained that they had taken dance classes together and my dad just could not learn to waltz. I now had confirmation that my issues with center work in ballet ARE genetic.

I figured I was on a roll and said, "Hey, while we are talking about dance I thought I'd mention that I am also learning how to pole dance." Dad never looked up. He just continued on with his crossword puzzle. Mom of course had one final question, "Isn't that about stripping?" No mom, not for me. Some do, I don't.

I know I'm pushing the norm and I'm out to everyone. I'm not young enough to dance in something tight, tiny, and shiny like the super male pole dancers. But I'm old enough to not give a damn about what other people think about my being a dancer. I would say that most people both male and female are either intrigued or at the worst neutral. The people that have problems with my being a pole dancer are equally distributed between men and women. Actually more people get weird about ballet than pole dance. Personally I think it is related to homophobia but that is just a guess.

Oh, my fellow hockey players... They didn't blink. I'm a defensemen. Defensemen are at the bottom of the hockey player hierachy. As long as our team doesn't get scored on while I am on the ice and I don't forget my turn to bring beer no one gives a shit.